you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
