Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
