My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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