I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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