Can i not drive my cunt home
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
