I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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