We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
