The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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