once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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