you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
