Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
