when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
