im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize