you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm like, not good at living.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
