I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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