I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
