Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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