I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
