***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
