This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
