between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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