allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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