life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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