I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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