I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
