Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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