$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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