I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
she peed on how many people?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize