guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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