your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
