dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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