I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
