Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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