I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Randomize
