Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I can't put those talents on a resume
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My life is pants optional.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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