Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
