just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
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