so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
