don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
