so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
