my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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