wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
