Jerry, you need to find god
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Just puked most of my soul out..
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize