No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
