Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The best revenge is premature balding
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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