My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
farters have to be the big spoon...
im six kinds of drunk right now
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
