I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
