i would punch a child for taco bell
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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