Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
