It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We are two peas in an std pod
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize