Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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