i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize