He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
