so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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