Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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