I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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