fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
